What I Really Meant To Say Was...

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The time has come to clear the air of the vacillating, vague and misleading language we are gulled into swallowing every day. Let the following self-serving pronouncements, and their honest interpretations, give notice to the mambo kings of misinformation that we're up to their tricks, and that their nimble-footed nuances will no longer be tolerated.

Our prices are competitive.
We're just as expensive as everyone else.

If you continue to experience problems with your unit, please notify your dealer.
Don't bug us; bug him.

It'll cost you anywhere between five-hundred and a thousand dollars.
It'll cost you a thousand dollars.

Thank you for your recent letter. Unfortunately, there are no openings for someone with your background and experience. We will, however, keep your resume on file should a position open up for which you may be qualified.
Adios, amigo.

There's a 50% chance of rain.
Your guess is as good as ours.

Due to a combination of cyclical factors, shifting consumer demand and increased competitive pressures, your management is reporting a net loss of $450 million for the current fiscal year.
Hey, don't look at us.

The following contains scenes of a graphically violent and explicit nature.
Check this out!

Temporarily closed for renovations.
We've bolted our lease, stiffed our creditors, and hope the suckers fall for this.

As citizens, we must shoulder the burden of this problem together...
Brace yourself for a tax increase.

...a problem we must see through to its complete resolution.
A big tax increase.

Don't you kids try this at home.
Only a publicity-seeking, money-grubbing adult would be stupid enough.

I cannot comment on that until all the facts are in.
I haven't the foggiest idea what you're talking about.

First check to see that the unit is properly connected to an electrical outlet.
Plug the damn thing in, moron!

Please excuse the house, it's a mess.
We're slobs, you caught us, why deny it.

Can I get you some coffee?
I really don't want to get you coffee. I'm just being polite. Had I been sincere, I would not have used the word "get," which implies having to go out of my way, which frankly I'm not interested in doing. If I was serious, I would have said something like "How 'bout some coffee?" or "How would you like your coffee?" But I didn't. So take the hint, turkey, and graciously refuse, so we can get with the program here.

Officials of the company have repeatedly declined our requests for an interview.
See, they're guilty. They must be guilty.

We can still be friends.
There will be a brief interim period before I dump you altogether.

You have been specially selected to participate in this once-in-a-lifetime offer.
We got your name off a certified chump list.

These charges are totally false, they're politically motivated, and I have every confidence my name will be cleared.
Hey, give me credit for trying, okay?

Please keep off the grass.
We're a shallow, insensitive organization, more interested in outward appearances than addressing the real needs of people.

What does your father do?
Which socio-economic caste are you a member of?

Yes, I would like to receive more information about this incredible, low-cost policy.
I hereby agree to have one of your smarmy sales reps hound me day and night.