Bring Back Sister Mary Joseph

When I was a child attending parochial grammar school, we were taught to tell the truth. It wasn't a difficult concept to grasp. The truth was finite, it was simple, it was clear. The truth was what actually happened. If you told it like it was, you were telling the truth. If you didn't, you were lying.

Blame it on inexperience, lack of theatrical talent, but rarely did a kid get away with a lie. If someone was pulling the wool, even his classmates knew it in an instant; somehow you could tell. And if there was ever any doubt, the truth never, never evaded the final arbiter.

Who was the final arbiter? Usually a grey-haired nun named Sister Mary Joseph. Or Sister Immaculata. Or something like that. Sister Mary Joseph could wrangle a confession out of a KGB operative. Confronted with her piercing glare, unnerved by her point-blank inquisition, few could look her straight in the eye and tell a white one. Those who tried soon had their memories refreshed by such interrogation techniques as the ruler rap, the book bop or the knuckle cruncher. It was a method swift and harsh, but it worked. And all were satisfied that justice had been served.

Today, it's a lot more difficult to get at the truth. Or to know whether or not someone is telling it. As the Iran-Contra hearings have taught us, the truth can be easily denied, dodged, hedged, twisted, colored, modified, or simply forgotten. Gamely as the Congressional committees may have prodded and probed, they were no match for the well-coached verbal gymnastics of Ollie and Poindexter. Nor did they seem to have the political appetite to ask the kind of pinning questions, to make the kind of fiery denunciations, many of us sitting in front of our TV sets would have liked them to. As a result, much is still unresolved, and nobody really knows what to believe.

I say the time has come to rethink our strategy for extracting the truth. I say let's bring back Sister Mary Joseph.

Take the current legal troubles of Attorney General Edwin Meese III. At our present rate, it may require years of hearings, inquiries and court trials before we arrive at the facts, if at all. But picture a situation like this. Suppose at the next Senate hearing Mr. Meese is called before--after the usual kid-glove quizzing by committee members--Senator Nunn of Georgia (with a quip about not being in any way related) introduces a surprise questioner: Sister Mary Joseph. A stunned hush seizes the room as Sister emerges, her habit billowing in the breeze that her dramatic entrance has created. Refusing the seat she is offered, she stands gloweringly over Meese, who begins to fidget uneasily in his chair. Sister eschews the tentative, roundabout method of questioning of those who have gone before her, and gets right to the point.

"Mr. Meese. Did you or did you not unduly influence the awarding of government contracts to Wedtech Corporation?"

Meese's face reddens as he chuckles nervously. "Well, Sister, in a matter of this complexity I can hardly answer..."

"Did you or did you not, Mr. Meese?"

Meese, sensing his inquisitor's mounting impatience, squirms more noticeably. "Sister, with all due respect, this is an area..."

"DID YOU?" Sister's face is now livid. Meese hunkers down lower at the table.

"Sister, I..."

"DID YOU!"

Perspiration breaks out on Meese's forehead; his meaty jowls begin to quiver. He looks for help. "Mr. Chairman, I refuse to be subjected..."

"I'll decide what you'll be subjected to!" Sister reaches across the table and grabs Meese's left ear. She twists it slowly, so that Meese must rise from his seat and turn his body in order to alleviate the pressure.

"DID YOU?" Sister twists harder.

"AAAAAAGGGHHH!"

Still clutching Meese's ear, Sister leads his now prone head and contorted body around the table into the center of the hearing room floor. As she cranks a little more, Meese sinks slowly to his knees.

"Master Meese. I'll ask you one last time. DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT UNDULY INFLUENCE THE AWARDING OF CONTRACTS TO WEDTECH?"

Loudly, unequivocally, Meese blurts out the answer. While we can only speculate as to what that answer would be, we at least can be sure of one thing.

It is the truth.